PROLOGUE
Here we are on Naxos with Ariadne! There are a few fun facts to keep in mind here, as well as a story or two. I hope you’re ready to take notes.
This music is lush and radiant, and stands on its own. But if you know a little bit about what’s happening with a few main characters, it can be even more engrossing.
It’s like watching Survivor. You can enjoy watching grubby people eat bugs and try to fish with a shoelace. But if you know that Kelly secretly voted against Lex at the Tribal Council? Even better.
DUET AND WALTZ
The music you’re hearing is lifted directly from an opera by Richard Strauss. Strauss is perhaps the last great composer of the Romantic era. Think Bee Gees circa 1978.
Actually the history of disco closely parallels that of Romantic music. Bear with me. At first the critics were suspicious. Then after some hits (Beethoven 5, anyone?) everyone loved it.
Then came the glory days. Superstars abounded, and along came fame, titanic egos, questionable lifestyle choices, saucy affairs, and public backbiting.
Then, after years of intense popularity, the music snobs turned, as they always do. Suddenly it was considered bloated, cheesy, and uncool.
Much of the music that followed was essentially a reaction against it. Schoenberg and his atonality was basically the punk rock of its day.
But now enough time has passed that we can all proudly listen to Saturday Night Fever again, and stop pretending to love Schoenberg. Just kidding! Sort of.
OVERTURE
Our opera’s plot is delightfully convoluted. The richest man in Vienna throws a party that will include two musical performances. One is a serious Greek tragedy; the other a saucy burlesque.
Two very different casts of players arrive, and start to bicker about who should perform first. Behold the artistic temperament in all its glory! Even the wigmaker gets involved.
But Alas! Dinner has run late, so both performances will take place simultaneously! Composers are offended. Singers scheme to prevent their numbers from being cut.
ARIA
The performance begins. Ariadne has been abandoned on the island of Naxos by her new boyfriend Theseus. A tough break-up,
even for the ancient Greeks.
Theseus gets a bad rap for sneaking off, and rightly so. No one deserves to be ghosted, even immortals. However, let’s look into some of Ariadne’s questionable behavior.
Ariadne falls for Theseus at first sight, and then immediately betrays her family and her country by helping him slay the Minotaur, her own half-brother. A monster who ate people, but still. Family!
And we’ve all had bad break-ups, but being taken to a beautiful island paradise and left there? Certainly wouldn’t crack my top five.
INTERLUDE
As Ariadne laments her fate, who wanders in and attempts to cheer her up? The cast from the burlesque! First come the comedians, who do their best, but she does not seem to be in the mood.
Finally, Zerbinetta the Sassy appears and talks to her, feminist icon to feminist icon. She insists that all will be well as soon as Ariadne replaces her lover with another. Ariadne storms off.
Now the comedians turn their attention to Zerbinetta and profess their love. She eventually gives in to the funniest one. It happens more often than you might think.
FINALE
In the end, Ariadne follows Zerbinetta’s advice and falls in love again when Bacchus, the Roman god of wine, shows up on the island. According to statues, he also seems to be the god of rock hard abs.
So she gets her groove back! Ariadne and Bacchus get married and have 14 kids. And likely quite a few glasses of red wine.
He also threw her wedding crown into the skies, creating a beautiful constellation.
Let’s tally this up. Bacchus shows up to mend Ariadne’s broken heart, he’s a god, he’s got a great torso and unlimited wine, he’s ready for marriage and kids, and he made her a constellation.
This guy is ruining it for us mortal husbands! I suppose he gives a mean foot massage as well.
I guess it just goes to show you: the “perfect husband” really is a myth.
But there is such a thing as the perfect orchestra! Please ask Scott, a.k.a. the “perfect concertmaster” for your foot massage on your way out.
